Star Trek: The Original Series
Over the years I have been searching for family-friendly Star Trek jokes (by which I mean those you would feel comfortable in telling your four-year-old AND your grandmother). I have collected many from the internet, from books, and from the final frontier.
If Mr. Spock has pointed ears, what does Mr. Scott have? - Engineers....and Clones
Dr. M'Benga was experimenting with cloning alien species. His first experiment was a disaster; the result was ugly and obscene. He decided to get rid of it by jettisoning it out of the hatch. Unfortunately, Captain Kirk saw him do it, and now M'Benga is facing a charge of making an obscene clone fall.
Camping with Kirk & Spock
Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Spock wakes his faithful friend."Jim, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Kirk replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Kirk ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Spock is silent for a moment, then speaks."Jim, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Fifty Ways to Kill an Ensign (music stolen from Paul Simon)
The problem is something 'bout your clothes, she said to meThe red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, "I'm Security!"
And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, you'll get to see
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign. He takes a landing party down to find what's going on
A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along
And then before you know it - the `expendables' are gone
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Fifty ways to kill an ensign Just step on a rock, Jock
Get thorns from some plants, Lance
A Horta can spray, Ray
Just listen to me
Clouds drink up your blood, Bud
Computers can kill, Bill
You could lose all your salt, Walt
Kirk gets away free... She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves
Not ev'ryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this curse
But then of course, you must recall - they sometimes suffer worse
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign Just tell him, "I'm not stupid and I'm not expendable
I'm not going!" Tell him that he's a Denebian slime devil
And he's overbearing, swaggering, and dictatorial
He'll find a new way to kill an ensign
Fifty-one ways to kill an ensign
Spock: What was Said and What was Meant
The following are lines Spock might have said, followed by what was really said: Scintillate, scintillate, globule pacific,Fain would I fathom thy substance specific.
Loftily poised in the ether capacious, closely resembling a gem carbonatious.
Answer: a favourite nursery rhyme [thanks: John Peedle] This celebratory gathering occurs at my behest and I shall be lachrymose if it so befits me.
Answer: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. She chooses to purchase a terraced incline directed toward a post-life paradisiacal region.
Answer: And she's buying a stairway to heaven. The leather coverings now encasing my pedal extremities have been manufactured for the specific purpose of ambulatory forward motion.
Answer: These Boots Were Made For Walkin. Adieu, jaundiced vehicular pathway consisting of bricks of baked clay.
Answer: Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road And we will engage in much jubilant activity until such time as the male parent chooses to repossess her vehicle of motorized transport.
Answer: And we'll have fun, fun, fun till her daddy takes the T-bird away. The deity had little or nothing to do with the manufacture of minuscule viridescent seed-bearing fruits.
Answer: God didn't make little green apples. Allow me the honor of portraying for you a miniaturized representation of a member of the family Ursidae of the order Carnivora.
Answer: Let me be your Teddy Bear. You provide illumination for the period of time delimited by my nativity and the complete cessation of my metabolic functions.
Answer: Again, nitpicky. It's "You Light Up My Life." Express deep affection towards yours truly in the manner of a hardened igneous object.
Answer: Love me like a rock. I possess the capability of performing ocular scans of manual inscriptions on a vertical partition.
Answer: I can read the writing on the wall.
He's Dead, Jim
Jim Kirk: What is that ensign's name, Bones? He reminds me of a horse.Bones: He's Ed, Jim. Kirk: Bones, what's happened to Ensign Hunger?
Bones: He's fed, Jim. Kirk: What club is the patient vacationing with, Bones?
McCoy: He's Med, Jim. Kirk: Where's Spock? Last I heard, he was getting really sick of these jokes!
Bones: He's fled, Jim Kirk: What's my cat doing on the couch?
McCoy: He's shed, Jim. Kirk: Bones! Its Ensign Paper! Is he ...
McCoy: Yes, he's shred, Jim. Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Toboggan?
Bones: He's sled, Jim. Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Yeast?
Bones: He's bread, Jim. Kirk: Who's that one at the end of the list?
McCoy: He's Zed, Jim. Kirk: So what happened to Jimmy Page, Bones?
McCoy: He's Led, Jim. Kirk: Bones, is he from the FBI?
McCoy: He's Fed, Jim. Kirk: Bones, that man just ran by at warp speed!
McCoy: He sped, Jim. Kirk: Bones, who's that new crew member who calls himself Clampett?
McCoy: He's Jed, Jim. Kirk: Bones, what about ensign Pb?
Bones: He's Lead, Jim. Spock: Jim! McCoy is lying on the floor not breathing after being hit by a laser! What's wrong with him?
Kirk: He's bones, Spock.