Star Trek: The Next Generation

Over the years I have been searching for family-friendly Star Trek jokes (by which I mean those you would feel comfortable in telling your four-year-old AND your grandmother). I have collected many from the internet, from books, and from the final frontier.

TNG Meets Microsoft

TNG Meets Dr Seuss

Stunt Doubles for Jean Luc Picard

10. Homer Simpson -- "Cardassians?!?! DOH!!"
9. Yul Brenner -- "Make it so, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."
8. Sean Connery -- "Picard. Jean Luc Picard"
7. The Godfather -- "mmhghmmmmsdfdfmmmmrhyhr"
Data translates -- "That you must wear the concrete suit in the airlock tonight."
6. Rodney Dangerfield -- "Hey, I tell ya Will, I get no respect."
5. James Earl Jones -- "Will, you are my son. Admiral Nechayev has foreseen that you will kill her. Together, we can rule the Federation!"
4. Clint Eastwood -- "Go ahead Q, make my day!"
3. George Foreman -- "Y'know, Shatner and I would make a great acting team."
2. Ross Perot -- "My, those Ferengi were handsome little devils!"
1. Harrison Ford -- "Never tell me the odds, Data. And Kirk, don't call me junior. I hate it. I really do."

What is Data's favorite song?
"I Left My Head in San Francisco"

Q. Why did Worf change his hair color?
A. It was a good day to dye.

Reasons why Wesley Crusher left the Enterprise

  • Annoying snickers from crew whenever "Dr. Mom" left a brown-bag lunch at his station.
  • Fake ID never worked in 10-Forward.
  • Found recipe for "Cream of Young Ensign Soup" in Worf's room.
  • Unjustly accused of leaving Data too close to the microwave.

Picard's top ten worries

10) Has to figure out at least a token punishment for Worf for killing a crew member who hid a tribble in Worf's bed as a practical joke.
9) The impulse engines have been making a funny noise lately.
8) Crew refers to him as "Captain Chrome-Dome Retard" behind his back.
7) That the voices in his head telling him to throw Counselor Troi out an airlock will become too insistent to ignore.
6) Ensign Ro has introduced a strain of Bajoran flu into the Enterprise population that cordrazine won't even put a dent in.
5) Wesley might come to visit.
4) Lwxanna Troi might come to visit.
3) If he doesn't get the pizzas to Starbase 141 within thirty minutes, they're free.
2) The way Data keeps reading "2001: A Space Odyssey" over and over again.
1) Riker will keep turning down promotion after promotion and he'll NEVER be rid of the big dork!

Signs the Enterprise is nearing the end of its warranty

  • Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
  • Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
  • Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
  • Rust problem in Engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book.
  • Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
  • Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
  • Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
  • Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-Forward.
  • Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
  • Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
  • Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
  • Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
  • Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
  • Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
  • Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
  • Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it."
  • Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
  • Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

The Top Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise

10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain
9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being
8) Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make chocolate
7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer
6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him
5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices
4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and no adults
3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours more growth
2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "Kick Me!"
1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment fields are collapsing!"