Star Trek and Real Life
Over the years I have been searching for family-friendly Star Trek jokes (by which I mean those you would feel comfortable in telling your four-year-old AND your grandmother). I have collected many from the internet, from books, and from the final frontier.
Surefire signs that Star Trek is taking over your life
- Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
- Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium
- Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first
- More than one pair of Spock ears in junk drawer
- Have figured out the stardate system
- Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
- Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
- The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
- Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory"
- Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
- Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
- Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
- Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
- Understanding Klingon
- Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
- Playing fizzbin and understanding it
- "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics
- Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP
- Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
- More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers
- You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the green skinned Orion slave girl on episode number 7
- You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble
- You tried to join the navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise
- Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information
- You went to San Francisco to see of you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale
- Your college thesis was a comparison of the illustrious careers of T.J. Hooker and Captain Kirk
- You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say, "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
- You have no life
- You recognize more than four references on this list
- You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan
- The UPS guy hands you his electronic clipboard and you're tempted to call him the "Captain's Yeoman" as you sign it
- Phrases like 'sentient being' start creeping into your speech patterns
- When you find yourself singing "Headin' Back to Eden" in the shower and you know *all* the words
- You start practicing raising one eyebrow in front of a mirror
- Someone tells a joke and your only comment is: "Humor, a difficult concept"
- You flip open your cellular phone and expect to hear it "chirp"
- You always win the free slice of pizza at the local pizza place when they have Star Trek trivia questions
- You ask local pet stores if they stock tribbles . . and if they're neutered
- You find yourself executing the "Picard Maneuver"
- You get on an elevator full of people and have to catch yourself before you tell it what floor you want
- You walk to the microwave and start to order dinner
- Sitting in traffic you seriously start wondering why you're using this primitive form of transportation
- After seeing a news story about a police shooting you wonder, for a moment, why they just didn't set it on stun
- You get upset when you go to get a vanity plate and find that WARPSPD has already been taken
- You see a car with a Starfleet Academy sticker and it seems perfectly normal
- You avoid all stores that carry Trek merchandise for fear that someone will find out about your 'addiction'
- Your wardrobe consists of a lot of black slacks with interchangeable gold, red and blue tops
- All babies start to remind you of Jean-Luc Picard
- You drive by a used car lot and start looking for Ferengi
- You start watching commercials because so many Trek alumni are doing the voiceovers
- You know you watch too much Trek when someone asks you to quote some Shakespeare and you do it in Klingon
- You start making lists of the signs that you've been watching too much Trek!