Star Trek and Real Life

Over the years I have been searching for family-friendly Star Trek jokes (by which I mean those you would feel comfortable in telling your four-year-old AND your grandmother). I have collected many from the internet, from books, and from the final frontier.

Surefire signs that Star Trek is taking over your life

  • Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
  • Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium
  • Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first
  • More than one pair of Spock ears in junk drawer
  • Have figured out the stardate system
  • Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
  • Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
  • The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
  • Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory"
  • Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
  • Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
  • Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
  • Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
  • Understanding Klingon
  • Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
  • Playing fizzbin and understanding it
  • "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics
  • Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP
  • Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
  • More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers
  • You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the green skinned Orion slave girl on episode number 7
  • You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble
  • You tried to join the navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise
  • Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information
  • You went to San Francisco to see of you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale
  • Your college thesis was a comparison of the illustrious careers of T.J. Hooker and Captain Kirk
  • You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say, "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
  • You have no life
  • You recognize more than four references on this list
  • You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan
  • The UPS guy hands you his electronic clipboard and you're tempted to call him the "Captain's Yeoman" as you sign it
  • Phrases like 'sentient being' start creeping into your speech patterns
  • When you find yourself singing "Headin' Back to Eden" in the shower and you know *all* the words
  • You start practicing raising one eyebrow in front of a mirror
  • Someone tells a joke and your only comment is: "Humor, a difficult concept"
  • You flip open your cellular phone and expect to hear it "chirp"
  • You always win the free slice of pizza at the local pizza place when they have Star Trek trivia questions
  • You ask local pet stores if they stock tribbles . . and if they're neutered
  • You find yourself executing the "Picard Maneuver"
  • You get on an elevator full of people and have to catch yourself before you tell it what floor you want
  • You walk to the microwave and start to order dinner
  • Sitting in traffic you seriously start wondering why you're using this primitive form of transportation
  • After seeing a news story about a police shooting you wonder, for a moment, why they just didn't set it on stun
  • You get upset when you go to get a vanity plate and find that WARPSPD has already been taken
  • You see a car with a Starfleet Academy sticker and it seems perfectly normal
  • You avoid all stores that carry Trek merchandise for fear that someone will find out about your 'addiction'
  • Your wardrobe consists of a lot of black slacks with interchangeable gold, red and blue tops
  • All babies start to remind you of Jean-Luc Picard
  • You drive by a used car lot and start looking for Ferengi
  • You start watching commercials because so many Trek alumni are doing the voiceovers
  • You know you watch too much Trek when someone asks you to quote some Shakespeare and you do it in Klingon
  • You start making lists of the signs that you've been watching too much Trek!