Compare the Captains Jokes
Over the years I have been searching for family-friendly
Star Trek jokes (by which I mean those you would feel comfortable
in telling your four-year-old AND your grandmother). I have
collected many from the internet, from books, and from the final
frontier.
Why Janeway is Better than Picard
- More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers
combined.
- Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.
- Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.
- Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.
- Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0
- Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing
to admit they're lost and pull over for directions.
- Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch
her way through.
- Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.
- Isn't French with an English accent.
- Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of
trying to convince them to behave better.
- To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving
motherly way. Picard sings a song... in French... about a
monk... who can't wake up for morning bells.
- The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will.
- Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.
- She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her
way.
- Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive
instead of trying to weasel her way out of it with philosophical
ramblings.
- Janeway's holoprograms create useful things like doctors and
lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet
again take over the ship.
- She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she
stands.
- She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All
lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.
- Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening
moments.
- Her telepath only lives nine years.
- Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.
- Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set
off.
- Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean,
"Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."
- Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.
- Has a more manly voice.
- Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a
tight spot.
- Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!
- At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every
time she wants something to drink.
- Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.
- None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take
over the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or
enslave all humankind.
with thanks to: http://www.gamebits.net/kgagne/st/captains.shtml
Why Kirk is Better than Picard
- Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
- Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
- Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and not worry about the
consequences!!
- Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
- Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
- Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
- Two words: Shoulder Roll.
- Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
- Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
- Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
- Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
- Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale
population.
- Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
- Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
- Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the
Federation.
- Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively
healthy.
- Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
- Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a
tactical advantage.
- Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off-even around those
pesky Yeomans.
- Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like
Dixon Hill.
- One Word: Velour.
- Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
- When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took
to climbing rocks. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of
the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain
of the flagship Enterprise.
- Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
- Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
- If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head.
- Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
- Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
- Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
- Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to
get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
- Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
- Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
- Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
- Kirk is not politically correct.
- Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic
busybody named after a letter of the alphabet.
- Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood
Forest.
- If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would
likely be dead.
- Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about
a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
- Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
- Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red
shirts.
- Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like
the trombone.
- Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
- The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be
roughly translated as "DROP DEAD."
- If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
- Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
- Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like
Tiberius is.
- If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
- Picard never met Joan Collins.
- Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
- Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably
millions.
- Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
- Two Words: Line Delivery.
- Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing
grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bales of wheat and hay in
Iowa to put himself through school.
- Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
- Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium
nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his
enemies. (Need we say more?)
- Kirk is not put off by green skin.
- Kirk knows how to deal with peace-loving hippy goofs.
- Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
- Kirk rarely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks
Spock only.
- Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
- One Word: Fisticuffs.
- Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
- Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
- You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
- Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
- Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them
for resources.
- Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
- Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
- Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
- The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they
met Kirk.
- Kirk's bridge is not beige.
- Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into
playing it.
- Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even
really cute things, like Tribbles.
- Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's
really nice.
- Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
- Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
- Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody
dares to call him "four eyes."
- Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon
-- easily.
- When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When
Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
- Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply
acting ensign.
- Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
- When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
- Three Words: Flying Leg Kick.
- Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't
even impressed.