Changing a Light Bulb

Over the years I have been searching for family-friendly Star Trek jokes (by which I mean those you would feel comfortable in telling your four-year-old AND your grandmother). I have collected many from the internet, from books, and from the final frontier.

How they change the light bulbs in the original Star Trek

Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead.
Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he canna see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives.
Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and three redshirt security officers beam down. The three security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry.
Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et al.
The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.

How many...

How many JEM'HADAR does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: One, but the light bulb has to be soft-WHITE

How many PAKLED does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Two. One to say,"Pakled cannot change light bulbs", and the other to change the light bulb so that the first one can come over and explain why Pakled cannot change light bulbs.
Answer: None. They need Geordi. Geordi is smart.
Answer: None. Well, first they have to kidnap Geordi to make him tell them which way in the lightbulb is supposed to go...

How many TRILL does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Four. One to change the light bulb, and the other three to complain how they could have lived in a better body if they wanted to.
Answer: Both of them.

How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: "Approximately 1.000000000000000000000000000000"
Answer: Two. One to say light bulbs are highly illogical, and the other to mix the martinis.
Answer: Two, but it is an illogical waste of effort to construct a light bulb for such a purpose.
Answer: One: Any more would be illogical.

How many CARDASSIANS does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: We don't need a light bulb, but if we did, we could take it from you !
Answer: Just one; however, they first have to determine how many light bulbs they see.

How many BAJORANS does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: The filthy Cardassians took our light bulb!

How many BORG does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: None. Light bulbs are irrelevant. Changing them is futile.
Answer: None. Light bulbs are irrelevant. Darkness is irrelevant. Changing them is futile.
Answer: None. They don't change the light bulb, they assimilate it.
Answer: Two, one to screw it in the other to check for resistance, which is futile.
Answer: All of them.

How many BETAZOIDS does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: I sense it has already changed.
Answer: Well, the bulb has to really want to be changed.

How many ROMULANS does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: We have been gone for a while, but we have returned to change it.
Answer: Two, one to do it, and another to kill the first one and take the credit for it.
Answer: Three: one to change the bulb and two to guard him so the Federation doesn't steal the secret.
Answer: 151. One to change the light bulb and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace.

How many Qs does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Wouldn't you rather have this supernova?
Answer: One. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
Answer: Change it into what?
Answer: "Really, such a trivial task! Here, have a whole bank of fluorescent lights instead!" (snaps fingers)

How many ODOs does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: I will change INTO the light bulb.

How many HORTAS does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: NO CHANGE I
What do you do with an old light bulb?
Answer: Feed it to a Horta.

How many TRIBBLES does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: 1...uhh, 2...uhh 3,...uhh, 62...,ummm, 63...64...
Answer: One, but all you have to do is feed it.

How many FERENGI does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Two. One to put the new one in and one to sell the old one as an antique.
Answer: Two:one to change it and one to sell the old one as new.
Answer: None: they'll just sell the whole lamp to some young Starfleet Ensign.
Answer: Just one, but he'll charge you double for it.
Answer: "Ferengi Never Change!"
Answer: For the right price, as many as you want.
Answer: None...they steal it and sell it for profit.
Answer: Two. One to steal a new one, the other to go sell the broken one.
How many does it take to change a light bulb on DS9?
Answer: Quark: how many do you want? one strip of latinum each.

How many KLINGONS does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Two. One to change the light bulb and the other to state that "It is a good day to change a light bulb".
Answer: None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.
Answer: None, they need a Cardassian to figure it out for them.
Answer: None. Klingons can fight in the dark.
Answer: Two: one to point a phaser at it and the other to change it!

How many HOLODECK Characters does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: They ARE the light bulb. And the coffee table. And the door mat...

How many VIDIIANS does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: They don't change it, they just graft on the parts they need from one that still works.

How many TAMARIANS does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: Darmok and Jalad, when the lamp failed.

How many FOUNDERS does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: All of them, but they change it into a human.

How many TREKKIES does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Okay, so, y'know, like, in that episode where Spock gets attacked by those vomit-looking things, and, like, he starts doing weird stuff, like, he takes over the ship and it gets Kirk really mad, so they find out that they can use this super-bright light, but it was bogus, 'cause McCoy used the wrong kind of light, and it makes Spock blind, so, like......what kind of light bulb are you talking about??

How many Enterprise OFFICERS does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Two. One to shut off main power, and the other one to bring auxiliary light bulb power online.
Answer: Two. One to change the light bulb, and the other to die shortly after they beam down.
Answer: None, it would be interfering with the natural development of the light bulb.

How many Federation SCIENTISTS does it take to replace a light bulb?
Answer: Six. One to fill out the environmental impact statement, one to fill out a cost analysis, one to request the light bulb, one to do a labor study, one to do a post installation followup study, and one to follow up on the follow ups. A robot actually replaces the bulb.

How many Starfleet ENGINEERS does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: None. If you run a phased inverse tachyon burst through the main emitter array grid and multiplex it with a subspace standing wave locked back into a diagnostic mode filter, you'll bleed off most of the static warpfield instabilities through the higher verteron harmonics of the decchyon field and get at least another 60 Watts out of the old one.

How many Federation SHUTTLE PILOTS does it take to change a light bulb ?
Answer: Ooooops! I dropped it!

How many REDSHIRTS does it take to change a light bulb ?
Answer: Oh, let's just say one, he won't make it back anyway!

How many WESLEY Crushers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: None. He's that good.